While cutting up firewood…

Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing eye protection?
Dad: Eye protection is for pussies and one-eyed men!

Submitted by: Jess

My mother to my husband and I after hearing about us getting into an argument:
Mom: Just fuck hard and be done with it.
Husband: … 0,o
Me: Mom! We are arguing about dinner!!
Mom:… so?

Submitted by: Kitt N Kaboodle

Me, to my brother, arguing: I wasn’t an accident, after all.
Dad: He’s right, you know. You were conceived on Christmas.

Submitted by: ididntwanttoknow

Grandfather (when I was young): “Make sure you drink your milk so you can grow up big and strong like your grandmother.”

Submitted by: Aos

Dad: "Lo can you please go on the computer and googalize something for me?"

Submitted by: Lo

Mom: My doctor told me that I should eat more citrus fruits. That’s why I got these pears!

Submitted by: Maria B

Dad: *looks at my wrinkly work pants* "Your pants are wrinklier than my ball sack…"

Submitted by: Kt

Mom: "Your boobs are mesmerizing."

Submitted by: Cady

My dad: "Now Kyle, im going to teach you how to cut out a mans heart while it is still beating…"

Submitted by: Kyle

Mum: I’m walking around with no legs.

Submitted by: Rob